The powerful beauty of the Rear

First off let's address the obvious:  I've been MIA.  Now that we got that out of the way, tonight's topic is the power and beauty of the rear.  Ass.  Butt.  Bum. Rear end.  Tushie....whatever it is that you may want to call it.  I like to call it Booty!

Going to my regular Wednesday night class has become therapeutic and almost as necessary as taking a vitamin.  Sometimes I am in no mood and all I want to do is go home and put on fluffy pj's eat a box of (organic) chocolate chip cookies, drink (organic) wine and just veg out while I watch Chuck Bass strategically wreak upper east side havoc in his closest friends and enemies lives, all with a raised eyebrow and sexy little smirk (Gossip Girl -duh).  Shit I got side tracked again....As I was saying, that hasn't been an option in well over 2 and a half years.  That's because Wednesday night is vitamin night at S Factor.  I show up and get my weekly dose of girl talk while releasing all of my tensions and frustrations of the day (and week) in my pole and dance time.  It's very surreal, and very, very necessary.  Like I said, it's an essential vitamin....a flinstones cherry chewable if you will.

Tonight's class was so big that we moved into the larger studio to accommodate the visitors (drop-ins).  Our class has become quite the  solid foundation of love, trust, unique beauty, and strength.  Everyone seems to have mastered one or two things that now define us and set us apart from one another, a trademark we each have within our little circle.  I will discuss that in more detail in a later post.  So when we have drop-ins it is sometimes hard to tell what type of energy will be given off by each girl, and the dynamic of the room suddenly changes.  Nonetheless we had a really great moving meditation as well as a kick ass pole warm up (where I even polished a few things I've been recently struggling with -- woo woo!!).  

When it came time to dance, I was first.  Stepping out of my comfort zone by manning up and going first rather then waiting around to see how other people's music and energy might influence my own.  I felt good, and I was able to let go and let my inner creature out to play.

But getting back to the power of the asset in the title of this post.....  One of the drop-ins, let's call her Visitor 1, left a lasting impression on me (as well as the other girls).  She's not the only person to have done so, but tonight she just reminded me of why I am so in love with this movement and why I cannot miss a dose of my vitamins!

She began her dance at the wall.  She wore clear platform heels and hot pink strappy garters around her thighs.  She may have had on a long button down shirt but I was too busy noticing the garter/shoe combo to care.  Her song came on, and it was nothing I would have chosen and I was prepared for yet another visitor doing a skanky stripper dance in heels, so I was prepared to let my mind wander.  She was about 30 seconds into her dance when my instructor came over and poked at me to go occupy the second lap dance chair (the first one was already occupied) and it was clear this girl needed two people to sit for her.  As soon as I took the second chair, the instructor already had a third girl in a third chair, all of which became a small circle around Visitor 1, leaving her not much room to move.  I wasn't very interested in her dance as she spun on the pole and slithered her way to the floor....UNTIL, she melted ever so slowly onto the floor between our chairs and fiercely kicked off her heels.  Thankfully no one was sitting on the bench because one of the shoes flew across the room bouncing off the bench and landing on the floor near one of the poles.  At that moment, Visitor 1's energy did a 360.  It was almost as if I felt her creature enter the room, and enter her body.  Think of the exorcist and how she was possessed by the devil, only, instead of the devil it's a sexy power crazed creature in booty shorts.  Her movement was incredibly slow and drippy and for the next 3 minutes of her song she didn't move very far at all, and the three of us chair-holders couldn't keep our eyes off the prize.  That prize being....the booty that was taking up so much space in the middle of the dim red room.  Her tiny shorts allowing her cheeks to carefully peek out as she melted her chest down to the floor, and then back up for a drippy hip circle.  Now, I want to recite something that a dear friend of mine said last week during a champagne induced girl's night which had me laughing out loud but it was so sincere and genuine and all of us girls were able to completely relate. She was describing a movement from class when she belted out in her sweetest most delicate southern accent: "I am straight, but....... I don't know why!" If you've ever taken a pole class, especially at S Factor, you will know exactly what she meant.  Women in all shapes, ages, sizes, colors, and moods enter the doors of this studio.  And no matter who you are, the minute you find your space on the floor and the lights dim, you become stripped.  Not stripped like a stripper.  Just stripped of who you were before you entered those doors.  I've never once witnessed a bad looking ass during an S dance.  I've been in many classes as a drop-in, and I've seen drop-ins come and go.  I can't recall one person that I could honestly say looked bad during their dance.  Even when they've danced to songs I've cringed at, or girls who had no connection to their erotic creatures.  Everyone looks sexy when they are vulnerable.  EVERYONE.  Visitor 1's dance left me inspired, speechless, energetic, envious, and although I too am straight, I felt how powerful a woman's body can be when you are just an onlooker.  Without knowing and without trying, she commanded our attention.  All eyes on "me."  And 3 pairs of eyes, plus the instructor who was cat calling with love (so, yes 4 pairs of eyes) left astounded and wanting more.  

It left me thinking..... Is that power within me too?  Is that what happens when I move in my dim spotlight?  I've been told before by classmates, but it's never really something you can truly believe about yourself.  Especially knowing the day or week you may have just had, all you can think about is what's in your head.  But there have been times that I've felt so out of my own body during a dance.  And those are the times that I am sure I had the power to command any eye in the room.  We are so unaware of the power we have.  Most of use are so afraid to use it.  I wanted the power that Visitor 1 had.  It was sexy, fierce, fearless, yet so slow, melty and buttery.  I don't know her personally, and I would most likely walk past her on the street without a second thought.  But in that room, in that moment, I was completely frozen and nothing else mattered to me except the anticipation of her next drippy move.  

As women we are taught (by that dreadful word I despise...society) to be appropriate and cover up or suppress any inappropriateness.  Especially a butt cheek.  And as women who follow society's orders, we are often ashamed to show something that is "supposed" to be covered at all times.  And maybe that's the attraction that allows for the power behind the booty.  It's forbidden.  And now it's on display, and it's barely moving an inch and already it's gained so much more power than it had a few hours earlier when it was covered up in dress pants and running off copies at the xerox machine (or hopefully a more exciting job than that).  We were given curves for a reason, and so what if that reason is to let loose in a room full of other woman (for now).  It teaches us to own the power that we have living inside of us and each time we leave that studio, a little bit more of it comes home with us.   Confidence is power.  Power is beauty.  Beauty is also power.  Tonight's class was the perfect recipe.

Cleanse update

Who's bright idea was it to start a veggie cleanse while trying to kick bronchitis in the ass medicine free?  Well, needless to say, I suffered a terrible headache that lasted more than 24 hours and effected my sleep, in addition to the barking (aka coughing) that took over my dreams.  That being said, I completed day 1 of my veggie cleanse (woohoo!).  Luckily this cleanse was a mixture of eating, juicing, and blending all the goods.  Day 2 didn't stand a chance.  While I did anticipate a cranky state of mind during a cleanse due to lack of food and caffeine, I didn't anticipate how sick I would feel from actually being having a phlegm (tmi?).  So I am postponing this cleanse to a later date when I am back to health and feeling 150%.  However since I already bought a crap load of produce, I am modifying it for the rest of the week.  And on that note, I am posting a few pics of the veggie dishes I've consumed so far.

Acorn squash stuffed with portabello mushrooms

Carrot ginger soup

Juice blend

Sweet potato and carrot fries

Winter squash and some baked yam fries

Happy Vegging!! xo

When life throws you a carrot, juice it and make carrot soup!

I am guilty of something.  That is....neglecting my blog, as well as my deep down burning need to write about nonsense and sometimes more important nonsense on a regular basis.  So I am back on the scene with some new news.  I have reformed myself!!  That's right, I am no longer unhealthy. Actually, I ironically happen to be typing this as I fight another round of bronchitis.  BUT, that's neither here nor there.  I am talking about how I have been eating CLEAN since January 1st.  And this is by far the longest I have ever stuck to a plan.  I didn't actually go on a diet per say, more like a new way of life.  I was tired of feeling sick, bloated and sluggish all the time.  And for the most part I haven't been sick with my usual colds and/or stomach aches.  The reason I have bronchitis today is because I have been away for the past week with the fam and kids who were getting over viruses, and since I didn't have easy access to the most nutritious foods, my immunity became low and I caught a cold which turned into bronchitis.  Blah blah wah wah boo hoo.

That's not why I decided to revive my blog.  I am currently on a mission to revamp this site, maybe rename, restructure, and add more useful info.  I am still up to my usual shenanigans which include pole dancing, yoga, hot yoga (bikram), anti gravity yoga, etc..  I have had to pause my circus classes since it was overwhelming on my time and  budget....but that will hopefully reconvene soon enough.   In addition to my craziness, I have taken up cooking in a very holistic and healthy manner.  I am enthralled by vegan blogs, stay at home moms making healthy family meals, even people who are cooking foods that fight specific diseases.  I have become a bit obsessed and the more time I spend researching, the more obsessed I've become.

I recently attended a screening for Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and got to meet Joe Cross and hear his story behind the documentary.  It has inspired me to invest in a juicer and juice at least one per day.  It's an expensively healthy habit.  And it's addicting.  I can't seem to get through a day without a juice.  That's why I decided that tomorrow I will go on his 5 day reboot program.  I've stocked up on so much produce (still not enough for these 5 days) and have spent quite some time today prepping.  It's tiring for sure.

I will try to document these next 5 days, assuming I make it!!

This I love

I had a really tough week and watching this makes me somewhat smile. I used this song last night in class...

In this moment.. this instant, I am free

Breathe.. 

Breathe....

My heart is wrenching, suffocating.  The walls are closing in around my breath.  Tension builds between my shoulder blades and my shoulders are inches from my ears.  I am drowning in a sea of overwhelming confusion and it's difficult to catch a breath.  Each time I come up for air I am forcefully pushed back down fighting my way back to the top.  This goes on for days.

It's Sunday afternoon and my eyes are swollen and my heart hurts.  I walk into the dim lit studio, dimmer than my usual class, and find my spot in the back of the room.  I don't know anyone in this class so I zone out with my ipod until the instructor comes in.  I pick my song for the evening, "Sleep like a child" by Joss Stone and put my ipod in the holder on the wall.

As the warm up begins I am on my back breathing into the slow and sublte moves of my arms and legs as my body begins to relax and do it's own thing to the beat of my favorite Muse song.  I get warmer and my senses begin to awaken.  The dim light relaxes me yet excites me.  I begin to forget all of my worries as I stretch into my upper body spine circles.  I begin to feel the floor and the texture of the mat as the instructor reminds us to breathe.  I breathe.  It feels so organic and free.  I want to lay on this mushy mat for eternity, or at least the next half hour. 

Pole practice begins and my body is bendy and loose.  I perfect my chopper with the help of my instructor and it's time to dance.             

Breathe.......  

           

As my song fills the room I lay back in the cushy chair breathing her in and my shoulders fall further away from my ears.  There are 5 other girls in the studio but I am the only person in this room right now, the only person that I feel.  My body melts onto the cold wood floor and I am rolling around at the speed of dripping molasses to the sound of Joss Stone.  This feels good.  Nothing matters.  My toes connect with the floor and my back stretches and slithers in her space.  Right here in this moment, I am free.  Right here in this moment I don't have to pay a bill, or respond to a text, or worry about someone else, or be somewhere, or care how I look.  Right here in this moment, I am me and no one can take that away.  My newly manicured toes drag across the floor and I take hold of my pole, spinning, climbing and inverting, slow, Breathe.....hanging upside down and free - devouring the lyrics of this song as my heart slows its beat and catches it's breath: "Sleep like a child, peaceful and deep....and I when you lay you down I pray your soul to keep...."

The Unnecessary Pressures of Being a Woman

This is one of those rants that I need to have because I am filled with endless emotions and thoughts and unanswered questions and aggravations.

Let me start by saying that yesterday was a really crappy day.  I woke up thinking it was Friday and had to face the biggest let down when I realized I was two days early and had barely hit the half mark of my work week.  Between the usual spilled coffee in the car and losers on the road causing me to almost crash several times on my way to work, I knew I should have stayed in bed......But I didn't.  I also went through the majority of the day thinking it was a full moon and blaming all of my hysterics on that, only to find out that again, I was 3 days too early.  I am starting to think someones been sprinkling dimensia dust over me in my sleep.


Anway, back to my topic.  Society (a dreadful word in the American vocabulary according to me) is always at fault for putting pressure on women.  We hear it all the time, pressures to be thin, pressures to be beautiful, pressures to have big boobs, or smooth skin, or great hair, nice legs, rock solid abs, you get the idea.  But there's another type of pressure put on women.  And that is the pressure to procreate.

As I was catching up with one of my many pregnant friends yesterday, she mentioned to me how she bumped into another friend (also married with children) and they discussed when I would be popping out a child.  Now, this is just an example of the typical questions I get as a 32 year old single female.  Questions from everyone, mostly those who are already married and/or have kids, and mostly the older genereation.

In my 20's I always thought I'd be married with a great career and kids by the time I turned 30.  Of course, nothing is set in stone.  And over the years I have forgotten about that stigma and went on with my life.  By the time I did turn 30 I'd had a few relationships under my belt and a greater idea of what the world had to offer and the freedom I had to explore it.  And in my opinion, or should I say in my world, I think I have accomplished more then most girls my age.  But why is it that people who did choose the other different path always want to know "When are you getting married?" or "When are you going to have a baby?"  I think it's pretty offensive honestly.  Why is that the ONLY accepted status as a woman?  I wouldn't say to an overweight person "When are you going to lose weight?" or "Why are you so fat?"  I am sure the person KNOWS they are overweight or need to lose weight, why is it my business to remind them or make them feel like they are out of place if they don't?

This all comes at a time in my life when I too have the same questions for myself.  And I went home last night and honestly felt sad, and angry.  Mostly at myself.  Why am I choosing this path in life?  Why haven't I gotten married or had a kid yet?  What am I waiting for?  Now I will be an old mom, the old moms I used to make fun of as a kid.  Maybe I should think about having a kid now, even if it's not with the right person, everyone seems to think it's time.   Then I made the mistake of logging into my facebook account and saw 3 different announcements of people who had baby news.  Just in time for my mini meltdown thank you!  Facebook has become a tool where people throw pimp out their families to show off to the world (i.e. their long lost friends from grammar school) how wonderful their lives are and how happy their families are.  I used to use facebook as a way to keep in touch with friends that I can't see on a regular basis, friends that live far away, but now I don't even enjoy logging in because it's become a show and apparently I have nothing to show.  I've actually deleted people because of it.

Is it that in order for a woman to be completely fulfilled in life she needs a husband and a fleet of children to account for?  What if you remove that husband and/or children frmo her life, is she then less of a woman?  I am not sure I am understanding what's being asked of me.  Does it make me a loser because I didn't find someone early on and have a family and become a young mom?  I mean don't get me wrong sure it would be great, and I am happy for anyone who is happy with that lifestyle, but maybe I am happy with my education and my freedom in life.  I have a double MBA, and I do so many things with my free time that make me happy.  Maybe I enjoy traveling the world with friends and boyfriends (regardless of how often they may come and go).  Maybe I am happy focusing on just me for now. 

I never felt complete by having someone in my life to complete me.  I always assumed as an individual you are expected to complete yourself before you try to complete someone else.  What about individuality?  Why am I looked at different by all my friends who are in marriages with kids?  Is it because they want me to be trapped at home with no freedom to do what makes me happy?  Is it a case of misery loves company (assuming they are not truly happy)?  Or is it that they feed into society's pressures on women becoming old maids?  Now we have "cougars."  Who cares?  Why must it be called anything.  No one seems to put the same pressure on men.  A man can live his whole life whoring around and never having kids and no one will say a word.  In fact he will be praised for it.  But why should I go run out and get married or knocked up just to fit in?  What difference does it make?  And what gives anyone the right to question me about it!?!?

Aiming for that upside down frown

 I can't seem to get the knack of this blog updating business.  I have so much to say but never find time to say it, or write it.  I barely make time to think it.  Which is probably why my head feels like it's about to explode and take down at least half of the offices in my hallway today.

I left off talking about trust.  Well the minute I blogged about it, I lost trust in myself.  I went to my final aerial class of the session, and I was told to do a trapeze sequence on my left side.  I hadn't really done the entire sequence on my "bad" side before, and my usual isntructor was out that day, so I relied on my spotter and myself.  But I knew something wasn't right before I even began.  I talked myself into doubting my body awareness, and sure enough I took a fall and landed right on my spotter kicking her in the face.  It wasn't pretty for her, although she broke my fall nicely.  But I realized something after I looked at the video playback; I caused myself to fall.  I created that self doubt and I made that fall happen.  I could have prevented it, I am not weak and I knew what needed to be done but I allowed my mind to cloud my awareness of my body causing me to soften and give up. This really bothered me, especially since I could have hurt the person spotting me, although thankfully that wasn't the case.  But this sat with me for days after.  How and why do I always allow mind over matter to backfire on me?  And when (if ever) will I be able to control the two?

That's just one of the many issues taking up space in my cloudy mind.  I've also hurt my back poling, and again I know why and I know how, but I still let my brain control my body.  I overcompensate when I know an area is weak and this time it caused me to strain a muscle in my back.  I haven't been on a pole in two weeks.  I am sad.  My back feels better though.  But in general something is missing and I am not sure what it is.  Maybe poling makes me happy and not doing it creates a void.  Or maybe the void was already there and poling filled it and the second I stop I feel that open hole of darkness.  Or maybe I am being over dramatic today.

I have no idea how I went from hurting my back to being sad inside all in the post.  I have my moments.  Times where things are wonderful and I think this is great, I am enjoying life and feeling carefree.  Then a day later I am sad, and can't quite put my finger on what's causing this sadness.  But I feel the frown on my face even when it's not there.  It won't go away.  Have I taken on too much at once?  Literally?  Emotionally? 

I was starting to feel like I had things in control again, picking myself up from a dark place where I didn't want to be, and things were looking bright......but.....then I realized what needed fixing still isn't fixed and I am just masking it with menial things.  I have not gotten to the root of what's causing me to frown inside and I am starting to think I never will.  How is it that the mind can have such control over everything?  I turned off my emotions willingly for a while.  And now I turned them back on but only half way and my head is in the drivers seat on auto pilot.  Make sense?  It doesn't to me.  I am on auto pilot in my life right now.  My job is a key player in my frownyness (no it's not a word I just made it up), and when I even begin to think about making a change I cringe and panic and get a headache and then throw my thoughts on the back burner and find an easier more immediate focus.  At the end of each day, the problem is still there.  The problem is me.  I have become a professional procrastinator and for crying out loud I am not getting paid enough to do it!

It's time for a snack, I can't think anymore...